


Blink

by shinysparks



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, M/M, enjoy your facepalming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 22:39:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3305999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin and Bilbo try to have some happy alone time, but... there's an unexpected audience... ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blink

**Author's Note:**

> This is stupid. Even for me. Read at your own risk, etc.

"Thorin, I can't do this." Bilbo said, sliding out of the sleeping bag they were snuggled in.  
"But, it's Tuesday." Thorin said, raising a curious eyebrow and cracking a grin, "On Tuesdays, you service you King."  
"Yes, I know that..."  
"I may have to usurp 'Hobbit Wednesday' because of this, you know?" Thorin told him, grinning cheekily. "If you're too tired..."  
"I'm not too tired, and I very much want to..." Bilbo coughed, "... _Service my king_ , as you so aptly put it, but..." He paused again, looking over his shoulder, "...I can't do it with an _audience_."

Thorin growled.

"If Kili and Fili are out of bed again, I swear I'll rip them a new arseho..."  
"No, not them. It's... well..." Bilbo interrupted, motioning behind him. " _Gandalf._ "

Thorin gave an annoyed sigh, staring over at the wizard cuddled up under a wool blanket a short distance away, his eyes open and staring directly at them.

"He's asleep." Thorin said.  
"His eyes are open." Bilbo answered, turning over to face Gandalf.  
"He's not blinking, hobbit. Also, he's a wizard."  
"So?"  
"They sleep with their eyes open."  
"No."  
"They do, I assure you. Watch this." Thorin said, as he lifted his head and stared Gandalf down, "My mother's beard was longer than yours!"

Bilbo blinked.

"What was that?"  
"I insulted him."  
"That's not an insult."  
"Aye, it is."  
"No, it isn't!" Bilbo told him. "Beard length insults don't work on non-dwarves, Thorin."  
"Alright, fine." He scowled, "You smell like Radagast's... well, Radagast."  
"You're terrible at this."  
"As if you can do any better."  
"Fine!"

Bilbo looked at Gandalf sternly, and extended his middle finger.

"Eat this, wizard!" He exclaimed, causing Thorin to snort from the shock.  
"Where did you learn that?" The dwarf king asked.  
"Oh, the finger? Fili and Kili taught me. They said it's some sort of dwarvish battlefield insult. Something to do with picking one's nose or something...?"  
"Not... exactly," Thorin said, cracking a slight grin as he pulled the hobbit's hand down. "Good effort, but I really don't want this quest sidelined by my getting turned into a bunny by a rather irate, offended wizard."  
"You said he was asleep."  
"He is, but he might wake up."  
"You'd make a very cute bunny, you know."  
"Shut up."  
"All fluffy and adorable..."  
"Hobbit." Thorin cautioned. "One more word about bunnies, and 'Hobbit Wednesday' will be canceled."  
"Fine." Said Bilbo, grudgingly. "I certainly don't wish to see you get _hopping_ mad, Thorin. I _carrot_ about you, you know."

Thorin groaned, which caused the wizard to snort loudly and give off a slight whine. Both dwarf and hobbit jumped. Skillfully, Bilbo slipped further beneath the blanket, covering himself up to his eyeballs. Thorin carefully slid his arm around the hobbit's curly head, effectively hiding it. He then slammed his eyes shut and held them there for a moment or so, before he plucked up the courage to take a peek.

The wizard snored and snorted a few more times, muttered something naughty about elves, and orgies, and really disturbing things about both Radagast and Saruman, and then grew silent once more. He never blinked once.

"He... he really _is_ asleep, then." Bilbo whispered as Thorin moved his arm away.  
"Aye."  
"That's... that's the creepiest thing I've ever seen, Thorin."  
"I know. My brother Frerin and I were quite surprised the first time we saw it."  
"Did you insult him then, too? You know, to test him?"  
"Er...not exactly."  
"Thorin?"

The dwarf king sighed.

"We took off our clothes and danced naked in front of him."  
"You _what?_ " Bilbo replied, cracking a smile.  
"It was Frerin's idea." Thorin said. "I only agreed because I'd had a bit too much dwarvish ale at the time. Long story short, the wizard did not move a muscle."

Bilbo burst out giggling at the thought, causing Thorin to grumble and roll his eyes.

"Speaking of clothes," Thorin finally said, reaching his hand below the blanket, "since it's quite clear to you that we no longer have an audience..."

With a sudden twist, he pulled his trousers out from under the covers, and tossed them to the side. Bilbo's eyes grew wide.

"How... how did you do that?"  
"Dwarf magic." Thorin said, grinning. "Now, it's time for you to show your king your _own_ magic, isn't it?"

Bilbo grinned at him from ear to ear. He grabbed onto the blanket, winking at the king under the mountain all the while, and pulled it over their heads.

A moment later, he pulled the blanket back down.

"Wait, we're still on for 'Hobbit Wednesday,' right?"  
"Fine." Thorin replied, grudgingly. "'Hobbit Wednesday' is still a go."  
"With naked dwarvish dancing?" Bilbo asked, playfully, "you know, if I should require it?"

Thorin moaned, shaking his head yes and then burying his face in his hand at the hobbit's request. Seeing him caused Bilbo to chuckle, before he pulled the king's hand away from his face and gave Thorin a quick, yet tender kiss on the lips. Then, with a flourish, he yanked the blanket over both of their heads.

There was giggling, and then moaning, and then exclamations of each other's names, and of love...

...And a short distance away, Gandalf blinked, and grinned from ear to ear...


End file.
